wow, i really need to keep my promises.
like updating more often?

and i also need to learn all these new xanga things. im so behind!

anywhoo,
brushing my teeth and i just wanted to announce:

I GOT ACCEPTED INTO: CAL POLY, UC DAVIS, UC SANTA BARBARA AND UC SAN DIEGO!!!!!


SWEEEEEEEEET.

now theres a long (well, feels long) gap until i hear from others...

I JUST WANT TO HEAR FROM UCLA! AND DECIDE!!

AS;DKLFJAS;DKFJAS;DLKFJA

damn, its already 2008.

four more months until i find out where i got in and then figure out where to go.
six more months until graduation.
fuck.

where did the time go?
i still feel like a little kid, yet im already a freakin senior almost finishing first semester.
WTF?

im scared.

but here a few japanese new year pictures, pretty much to make you jealous of the yummy food we get to eat:









now i must say, THESE were deeeeeeeeeeeeelicious.

MORE PICTURES:


sake cups. this year is the year of the rat(or mouse?). im born the year of the horse, hense the cups



i took this from below the champagne glasses. .


MOCHI. if you dont know what mochi is, go eat a real, homemade one. not a mochi ice cream.


pretty much my dog is the cutest thing ever :)
haha


HAPPY NEW YEAR.
2008, MAY THIS YEAR BE 92834793 TIMES BETTER THAN LAST YEAR

I love the holidays, until it actually gets to the winter holiday season, aka Christmas and all that should come with that day.

I realized today that I idolize and fantasize way to much of my life. Because i'm so inexperienced, i dream of how things my life are going to be, like a movie. it's always a girls dream for her life to be like from a movie and everything ends as happily ever after. Many see reality once they finally experience life, but i'm still stuck on that boat of innocence and youth. So i continue to fantasize and as every day passes, my expectations and standards get slightly higher and higher.
I'm a fucking 17 year old senior at high school, who's never been kissed, never been to a party, never had a fucking boyfriend (excluding the middle school ones)... and i question myself, is this really how i want to live my life before i enter the hardass, scary world on my own, well kind of. college. w/e

the winter, holiday season is when for some reason, everything changes, or so it seems. things get lovey dovey, or so it seems. Two good friends of mine are going out now, and i am completely happy for them. But honestly, i'm jealous. and whenever i find out people form relationships, go on dates, i get jealous. i question myself, i doubt myself. WHY DOESNT THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Some people can get boyfriends/girlfriends so easily and i just keep wondering why that can't happen to me? why is it that i have to try so hard and yet all i get is a cold shoulder? or the closest thing i get is a hug, as friends? or hangout, as friends? dinner...AS FUCKING FRIENDS?!?!

i dream of the kiss under the mistletoe, i dream of the new years kiss, i dream of the walking together, holding hands, i dream of going to christmas in the park together, i dream of ice skating together, i dream of that silent moment together...
i love the holidays, but these are some reasons why i HATE the holidays.
this thought of "why cant i have that?" comes back to me every year. i see everyone else and so i wonder, is there something wrong with me? is there a something of me that i dont see that is discouraging, unattractive, not girlfriend material??
if there is, please tell me.
i know my weaknesses, i know my strengths. but its something else.
theres something about me...that has giving me a hard time all these years.

every year, i complain that i dont have a boyfriend. and truthfully, no one can really give me advice. the most i've gotten is to push yourself, get yourself noticed. if you like someone, make sure someone can see that. you have to take the initiative.

but now that i think about it, I ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE THE INITIATIVE. not just with boy girl relationships. with friends, with family...everything.

if i don't do something, nothing happens. i'm not saying like "Oh people cant live without me"
i'm saying PEOPLE CAN LIVE WITHOUT ME. i rarely get phone calls to hangout, to go to lunch.
almost every day, i see even people within my "crew" go out to lunch.
there have been many occasions where i have seen all of them go, except me. not that i couldn't. i wasnt asked. i wasnt invited. no one fucking told me.

i feel all my life, ive just been there, standing beside everyone. i'm just another girl. ive pushed myself, i've shown myself, i've tried to be outgoing.

but seriously, its not working. and if this doesnt, i really dont know what will.
a lot of times, i feel people treat me as just someone there, in case they need me.
someone chose to end our friendship because i treated her as a backup friend.
well i guess she didnt realize that im everyone's fucking back up friend.
the people i hangout with may be my best friend, but i'm not anyone's best friend.
and i hate that label. but that label determines your closest friend, the one you truly trust and can laugh, love, hate, argue, do whatever with.
and i dont have that. scratch that, i do. but no one needs me to that be THAT person.

im in the middle of this thought but im sick of talking about it.
the end.